It's me. Plain&Simple
The name is Chloe. get to know me, for me.
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I have so many things to say right now but if I said them all I’d be here all night. but I’m gonna get out what I can in order to sleep at some point in the near future. basically I’m missing the past, as usual. specifically my grandma. its been almost 6 years since she died and since then she’s been my inspiration for everything. she’s the reason I haven’t already given up. she’s the reason I’m determined to make it to graduation in one piece. she was my rock for so long and for her to just be taken one day was the biggest slap in the face ever. I didn’t realize how much I still missed her until tonight. amidst all the bullcrap going on in my life lately I have neglected to let her cross my mind but tonight I think she got fed up with it and made it a point to make me think of her. I wish that I could just see her once more, be able to sit on her lap again as a curious 4 year old. to be in the complete and utter innocence just seeing it as any normal day. oh what I would give to just be able to say I love you. I tell her all the time and I know she hears me but dangit I wanna hear it. I wanna know she’s still here I wanna know that she hasn’t forgotten about us all. I haven’t cried like this in months and in a way its nice but in others it really sucks. I forced myself to listen to music that reminded me of her, I forced myself to think of her. it hurt but I know I needed to do it. one day I will have to explain to someone why I’m so strong willed, so determined, so preserverant and I will have to explain to them that she is my motivation. just the sheer thought of her looking down on me sends chills down my spine. I will walk that walk in may and I will be wearing something of hers, one way or another and I will tell everyone that its not because people pushed me or I just wanted to get it done with ill tell them I did it because that was the one thing she wanted me to do. she always told me Chloe you’re so smart you’re gonna be some big shot one day and put me and your pop up in some big nice house and you’ll be able to say look what I did all by myself. well Grammy that’s true but there’s one thing missing, you. <3 I miss you so much. RIP 32206
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times like these i wish i didnt have feelings.
or rather i knew what exactly I was feeling, because at this point, I have no idea what the fucks going on.
:/
wish i had a heart..
one that functioned properly and didnt lead me into destruction..
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i wish i had something useful to say.
something useful to do.
i wish i could be the girl everyone wanted to be friends with.
i wish i could have been enough for you, i wish i could have been enough for me.
i never meant to screw up in all the ways I have.
i wish i wasnt so damn cliche, so vulnerable.
i wish i didnt have so many desires, wrong, sinful, yet such nice, desires.
sometimes i wanna die, some times id kill to live, just for one moment.
sometimes i wish i could sleep longer, sometimes i wanna sleep for days.
there is not a day that goes by that someone doesnt say, “you look so sad”
imagine, a perfect stranger pointing out your inner sadness.
i wanna cry, i wanna die sometimes.
3 years of my life wasted, stolen.
what I wouldnt give to take it all back.
sure things are gonna get better, but thats not what I am worried about, shit happened, its real.
Im beginning to think that I havent the slightest clue as to what love really is.
Im reallly beginning to think I dont even know who I am.
I try to take it day by day but then look, this happens. 1 in the damn morning and what am I doing, fucking venting.
fuck day by day.
fuck my life.
fuck this.
“tomorrows a new day”
bullshit.
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Not too sure what I’m doing here, but a lovely friend turned me back on to Tumblr. So, Hello, my 0 followers.
Life is good.
